Values-Based Parenting

by Mandi Chapman, MA, LPC, LMFT

Research supports the idea that core values serve as our underlying filters for decisions and behaviors. When consciously considered, values help us become more aware of who we are, what we believe, and how we behave. Determining core values is a necessary part of the growth process for children, adolescents, adults, couples, and parents. However, people often operate with a set of core values that they have never formally articulated or considered as a driving force behind their decisions.

Clearly articulating core values can be helpful in many ways, but especially in parenting. Do you value success or hard work? Consider this: do you celebrate if your child brings home an A in English on a project where he used AI? Or do you celebrate the C in math when your child worked with a tutor and studied for a week?  In my family, I tell the kids, "I do not parent to an alphabet; I parent to your effort.” So, as a parent, I prioritize hard work over grades because some kids will never get the A. Some kids have disabilities; some are average B-C students; some have gifts outside of the classroom rather than in it. But hard work translates to all they do.

Is this semantics, just playing with words? Maybe. But it is also the language of our parenting. Because we know we value hard work, we intentionally use that language in how we parent academics, sports, chores, summer jobs, etc. Hard work is part of our family's language.

What do you value? How do you communicate that to your children? If you have not been intentional about naming your core values personally and deciding which core values you want to communicate to your children, maybe it is time to consider them. Personal core values and parenting values often overlap, but sometimes we add extra values to our parenting in response to our history with our family of origin or to build a foundation for our kiddos that we no longer have to articulate for ourselves.

For instance, we teach children respect. But to whom? What does that look like? How can we teach it and model it? While second nature to us as adults, teaching respect as a foundational value for children requires a little more thought and purposeful conversations.

Then there is the crux of values-based parenting: are we modeling what we want to teach our children? If we are raising children to be kind, are we kind? If we want our children to value all people, do we value all people? If we hope to raise children who have faith, are we pursuing our own faith? If we want to leave a legacy of hard work and achievement, are we working hard at achieving our own goals?

One of the best parenting expressions I’ve heard is from John Maxwell, a globally recognized American author, speaker, and leadership expert. "More is caught than taught. You can teach your kids what you know, but you reproduce what you are." As a result, my husband and I clearly articulated our personal values and values as a couple. Then we figured out what mattered most to us in how we wanted to raise our children and what kind of adults we wanted to put forth in the world one day. And then we worked hard to model those values and behaviors, hoping that they would “catch” our values in addition to just learning about them.

If this sounds like we are perfect parents, stop right there. We are not. We are not perfect, and neither are our children. Even without perfection, we work hard to take responsibility for what our kids learn from us and to live out our values with purpose and intention so that our kids can see what values look like in the real world. Our parenting values do not include perfection. But they do include hard work, love, faith, and responsibility. 

Here at Peaceful Child Learning & Wellness Center, we offer parenting classes for parents who want to parent with purpose. If you are interested in Values-Based Parenting as part of our Parent Coaching service, contact Mandi Chapman (mandi@peacefulchildlearning.com). The workshop can be held in a group or private setting and usually requires about 3 sessions. All who parent the child(ren) should commit to attending to ensure everyone is on the same page.